What You Miss and What You Gain
By: Sara Payne, Magnify Missions Coach
Email: sara@magnifymissions.com
I see it everywhere-the store, the car, shopping, the gas station, family gatherings, coffee dates-the constant fixation on the phone or now watch (thank you Apple). My personal pet peeve is when a family is out to dinner or even worse a couple is out on what appears to be a date and both of them are on their phones. What an incredible waste of time and a missed opportunity for connection. My most recent encounter with this growing social epidemic was at a Christmas concert. We were in a beautiful local theater surrounded by hundreds of people. We were watching an acapella group, who have amazing vocal talent, humor, and put on an incredible show all involving media and choreography. You would think it would keep people’s attention. However the girl sitting in front of me could not pay attention AT ALL. She could literally not stay off of her phone-scrolling, texting, picking out funny memes. I wanted to watch the show, but I was so distracted by her being distracted because her screen kept popping up in my line of sight. I could feel my growing frustration. How could she not just put down the phone and enjoy the moment? She tried a few times. I saw her attempt it, but then in about 30 seconds ( I counted) it was back in her hand. “She is totally addicted", I thought to myself, “and missing this moment.”
My Media Journey
My journey with phones and social media has been a slow burn. I’m in my early 40’s so I know what social media is and how to use it (mostly) but at the time when it became popular I had somewhat already missed the wave. I was living overseas and doing my student teaching in Ireland when Facebook first made its appearance (February 2004) into the world. I didn’t get my first cell phone until I lived overseas working as a missionary with Cru in Budapest, Hungary. I didn’t make my Facebook account until I came back to the United States. I was 25 years old, and while I saw the value in staying connected to contacts I had overseas, it never really stuck with me. When I moved back to my home city of Indianapolis and became a teacher, I would use social media (mainly Twitter) as a tool for teaching and as a source for research. After getting married and leaving teaching, I traveled with my husband and his band, so I used Instagram to post pictures of our adventures. After a while though I started to feel behind or would experience this pressure if I forgot to post a cool picture or event from our lives. Apart from an occasional post or scroll, I eventually gave it up along with Facebook.
After teaching I transitioned careers and started working for a PBL professional development company. My first few years of my job were all about building our social media presence and platform. I was posting daily and took courses on how to create content. Initially I found the work interesting, but over time it became tedious. While I didn’t love the work, I learned a lot. I noticed that it was all ever evolving and much of it was a competition to keep yourself at the top of the lists of ever growing posts. As a company we cared about creating awesome content for our clients and social media was a way to get it to them. However, we learned that our relationships with our clients did much more for us than social media ever did. I’ve found that to be true in my personal life as well.
My most recent venture with social media was to host an online party via Facebook. When I agreed to it I was helping out a friend, and I knew I liked the product, but I also knew that I actually really dislike these kinds of things. I said “yes” to it thinking, “It will be good to be stretched outside of my comfort zone”. After a week of prepping for this event, sending texts, having to get on Facebook and comment, send posts, and then invariably getting distracted by other random people’s posts I was reminded again why I don’t like this world. When the final culmination of the event, a 30 minute Facebook Live video (put on by the product rep-not me-whew!) where I was commenting and tagging people ended, I only felt relief. I was thankful that friends and family got connected to a valuable product and I got some sweet rewards for hosting, but I knew it wasn’t an experience I ever wanted to repeat! After the online party was done I did a little reflecting on why it was so challenging for me. I landed on the reality that I like connecting with people one-on-one and face to face. My week of texts, posts, and comments felt forced, awkward, and even fake. Plus it actually took away from work I needed and wanted to be doing.
False Community
One of our major focuses within Magnify Missions covers personal growth and caring well for yourself. Am I taking the time to care for my soul, mind, and body? How is my connection to Jesus, myself, my relationships, etc.? Am I growing in these areas? I would argue that there is an ever growing correlation between how we use social media and our overall well being. I find myself regularly wrestling with the topic of social media and its presence not only in my life but the life of others. I can’t tell you how many major life events or announcements I’ve missed simply because friends and family only posted it on social media. I find myself regularly frustrated at the assumption that everyone is on there. People think a simple post will suffice for communicating important life happenings to those they love and care about. Except that often complete strangers are finding out what’s going on before I do.
More recently I’ve been reflecting on the false sense of community and connection that people seem to have on social media but lack in reality. People are giving up or exchanging real relationships with the pseudo ones they find online. I would argue that twenty comments on your post isn’t actually building relationships; it’s building temporary touchpoints. Romans 1:25 tells us, “They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator-who is forever praised. Amen.” Phones and what we do with them i.e. social media have become an idol. I’m a person that wants to connect deeply with people and to have authentic relationships. To me that means picking up the phone to make a call, sending a personal text (not a group text announcing major life decisions), or actually taking the time to meet with a person one-on-one. Yet, I find that many of my friends and family are not picking up the phone or texting me personally, they are posting, and I am missing it and them for that matter. I was recently recommended the book The Lives We Actually Have-100 Blessings for Imperfect Days by Katie Bowler and Jessica Richie, and received it as a gift this Christmas. The book has many lovely, honest prayers. I think this particular one “For When You Feel Lonely” encapsulates so much of the “why” behind people pouring themselves into social media instead of into one another. Here’s a short excerpt. The author writes,
God , there is space here
in my heart, in my life,
I wish others could fill.
Would it be embarrassing to admit that I’m lonely?
I need someone walking with me, whose eyes see what mine do,
whose ears are open to hear my thoughts,
and whose heart can be cracked open
a smidge more.
So we’re lonely, but instead of truly connecting with actual human beings face-to-face, we’re isolating ourselves to our phones. What are we called to as believers?
I believe we have to be true to who God has called us to be, and to live in a way that is set apart in this area. We need to start making culture shifts.
Shifting the Culture
Thanksgiving is a big holiday for my husband’s family. Each year we drive the 8 ½ hours from Indiana to Pennsylvania to go be with his family and extended family to celebrate Thanksgiving. The first year we made this trek, the holiday was spent eating an enormous amount of food (naturally), and then everyone moved to the living room to watch TV (Law & Order) while they simultaneously were on the phones. It was being together without truly being together at all. I was furious and told my husband we were not driving 8 ½ hours to sit around on phones and watch tv. We came to spend time with family, and that’s what we were going to do. He wholeheartedly agreed, and we started bringing games and playing them in the kitchen. Over time the games were expected and more people joined in. Now after 7 years, there is no tv, a few isolated phones, and two rooms full of people playing games or conversing. In our own home, we’ve developed some rules for how we do and don’t use phones. Meals around the table are hands free. We don’t have phones at the table, and we don’t get on them during meals. Anytime that norm is being broken we say ‘violation on the field’ or we’ll first ask if we can break it temporarily to share something. Neither of us post online because we’ve found that posting has created less real conversation and more disunity. If people want to know our opinions on a topic, they have to ask us in person. In our home, we talk about the gift (and skill) of being fully present. This is a practice and a discipline. It doesn’t happen naturally, especially not in this day and age.
Again when I think of this practice of “presence”, I have to look to Jesus. He was fully present (and still is) with people. If Jesus were here right now living on the earth how do we think he would handle his phone and social media? Would he be checking his texts while Peter went on about the catch of the day? Would he take a phone call in the middle of a teaching moment with his disciples? Would he be glancing down at his watch while a sick person shared about their disease? Would he be posting that He was the Son of Man, but not tell his inner circle first? Would he lash out at the Pharisees in the comments section with angry replies instead of confront them in person? Even the name “Immanuel” means God with us and that means FULLY with us in every sense of the word.
There has to be some reflecting and shifting on our parts in this matter. Here are a few questions to consider:
Is this app, platform, ________(fill in the blank) worth giving my time to?
Is it life-giving or life-sucking?
Is it honoring the Lord?
How much time am I spending facing a screen instead of being face-to-face with people?
Am I investing in online conversations (comments, likes etc.) more than I am investing in real conversations?
Am I intentionally sharing with the people I love and who care about me what’s going on in my life? Or am I posting it instead?
What am I missing out on by being on my phone?
Who I am missing out on connecting with by being on my phone?
What productive activity could replace the time spent on my phone?
Who could I reach out and schedule an in person conversation with instead of scrolling?
What You Gain
The truth is this isn’t just about social media. It’s about what we lose out on when we overly invest in the wrong things. An element of our well-being or self-care is the quality of our relationships. Am I missing out on posts and updates and other people’s life moments? Absolutely! I give them up in exchange for my own life moments. Because if I’m living online then I’m not living in the real world. Just like that girl at the concert…I am missing it. We all are when we disconnect from real relationships and people and exchange it for a pseudo community online.
This past summer our daughter was dedicated at our church. All of the parents were gifted with a devotional called Night Light for Parents by Dr. James and Shirley Dobson. I have loved reading the excerpts each day-it’s faith-based, practical, honest, and thought provoking. A recent entry stuck out to me especially in relation to this topic of being present. The authors write,
“It takes time to build a relationship, whether it’s with a friend, your spouse, your son or your daughter. And the moments you’ll truly cherish often occur not during a scheduled activity, but in the freedom of unstructured time together. The apostle Paul wrote, ‘Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing’ (Hebrews 10:25). He was speaking specifically about fellowship with believers, but it applies just as much to fellowship with family and friends. Make time to simply ‘be’ with the people you care about. You’ll never regret it.”
From my own experience I’ve found this to be true. I often regret the wasted time spent scrolling, looking through other people’s lives or pictures. However it’s a rare occasion for me to regret spending intentional time with the people I care about. As we look at self-care, we have to consider the quality of our relationships and the quantity of time invested in others. We are called to be set apart and to serve as ambassadors for Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20). Therefore as believers we need to keep social media in its proper place- to see it as merely being a tool we can use to expand God’s kingdom and not as an idol that distracts us from the real work. So instead let’s look at it as a way to connect with our families, friends, and donors back home or across the world. We have this resource to help you keep your relationship with social media healthy and in its proper place. Download our free tool 5 Ways to Use Social Media to Build Ministry Connections and use social media to build stronger ties to you and your ministry. And that’s really what this should be about-building authentic connections with people. It’s one more thing we need to take before the Lord and submit to Him. We won't be disappointed by what we gain instead.
Sara Payne is first and foremost a beloved child of God. She likes to surround herself with people who love Jesus, be out in nature, work out, cook, and drink delicious cups of coffee. She is married to Ryan, an amazing man who loves Jesus, and also is (in her opinion) a rock star with a band called Attaboy. They have one beautiful little girl named Isabella, who is a joy and delight! Sara’s first job after college was as a missionary serving overseas in Budapest, Hungary. She then transitioned into being a full time English teacher in a PBL school on the south side of Indianapolis, IN. There her mission field was high school students. After getting married, she worked for Magnify Learning as a Branding Manager and PBL facilitator. Since becoming a mama, she now works for Magnify Missions where she is able to combine her love of missions and teaching to serve and coach missionaries around the world.
