Building Habits at Home - Part 2: Habits of Family
By: Sara Payne, Magnify Missions Coach
Email: sara@magnifymissions.com
I love breakfast! I pretty much love everything about it - coffee, eggs, bacon - definitely bacon and the carbs - muffins, scones, bagels, English muffins, pancakes, waffles - did I mention bacon? I could eat it for three meals a day (and I have before). I love breakfast so much that for our wedding we decided to serve breakfast foods. It was fabulous! I make a point to never skip it, and while I love eating it, I also equally love making it. In fact I am an avid brunch connoisseur. Give me a city and I will hunt down the best place to eat breakfast or for those later days, brunch. My mom was and still is a phenomenal baker, so homemade bread, muffins, biscuits, cinnamon rolls were a regular part of my childhood. I still have an incredible love for baked goods - give me a muffin or scone any day over a cookie or cake. I’ve come to realize that one of the reasons I love breakfast/brunch so much is because my parents made it special for us growing up. We always ate breakfast together and then on Saturday mornings we would have the special treat of pancakes or waffles and morning cartoons. Later I came to find out that those mornings were also special for my parents because as all of us kids piled onto the couch to watch our favorite morning cartoons, my parents would share some quiet moments of alone time and connection at the kitchen table.
Breakfast has come to signify a slowing down and connecting time for me as well. I enjoy the rhythm of brewing coffee, scrambling eggs, and baking something fun. My husband knows that it’s important to me to have breakfast as a family because it was special for me as a kid. He has even become the expert breakfast hash maker in our family, which is an incredible win for me and anyone who joins us that morning. My morning quiet times and devotions almost always coincide with a cup of coffee and breakfast. I’ve started to make devotions a part of my breakfast routine with my little girl as well. It has truly become a habit in our family, and one that I cherish not just because I love delicious food but because of the space that it creates to pause, converse, and connect. Some of our best spiritual conversations have taken place at those times. It’s these kinds of habits that I find are truly special and meaningful. They are helping us create our family culture, and live out of our family values.
Eating Meals Together
I grew up in a family that was intentional about time together and making meaningful memories, and a lot of those times were around the table. Now as an adult with my own child, I see how truly important and impactful it was on me. Friday nights were homemade pizza nights and gathering to watch a movie together. As I already mentioned, Saturday was a special brunch. Sunday nights were often egg sandwiches and hot chocolate. My husband had a similar routine in his family. In my family, every weekday (and most weekends) involved a meal around the table. We would help set the table and clean it up. Conversations were often loud and chaotic, but there was lots of sharing and storytelling. There was laughter, tears, hurt feelings when someone didn’t listen, and a lot of spilled milk- it was real and messy - literally. My husband and I have adopted the same tradition in our own home. We often add another family or friend to the mix a few times a month so they can share in a yummy meal and fellowship. Our Sunday nights have become our popcorn/smovie (smoothie) night, which is a light, predictable, and incredibly easy meal we both look forward to every week.
I’m struck by how many people don’t eat meals together or how many meals take place in front of a television. I’ve visited family members who always eat with the tv on and never around the table. In fact the table was more of a desk or storage bin. I’ve worked with high school students who have told me they have to fend for themselves and cook a meal on their own-often defaulting to fast food or cereal. While it makes me sad because it’s such a missed opportunity to connect, I’ve learned there’s also research that shows it actually makes a difference in the life outcomes of children. In my last blog, I mentioned a book I was reading called Habits of the Household by Justin Whitmel Earley. In his chapter titled Mealtimes he notes, “ It is not a given that a family eats together at all, yet one of the most loving things you can do for your family is simply to sit down, at the same time, in the same place, and eat together….Numerous studies have linked family meals to all sorts of positive family outcomes, from better academics to better behavior and reduced drug and alcohol abuse.”
I can see how this matters now even though my little girl isn’t even 2 yet. It’s a time for us to connect and see each other as a family. I’ll admit when it’s just the two of us, sometimes I get a bit distracted by a task (more often than I’d like to be) and I get up out of my seat multiple times while she’s eating, but we’re at the table and we’re together. Doing devotions with her while she eats has really helped me with that as well. I want her to see the table as a place where we learn about Jesus, enjoy food, and connect with each other. Just recently, I had the idea to read to her during lunch, which not only helps keep me in my seat, but makes it fun for both of us. As she gets older, I want to be more intentional about having conversation starters and prompts that help us keep getting to know each other and help us learn about what happened that day. A resource I’ve used to connect with kids and teachers is ULEAD cards, which I think will be fun to use as she matures. So much of Jesus' ministry was around the dinner table, and there’s something to be said about sharing a meal with people, which is why we will keep making it a priority.
Being Active & Playing
As a child, I remember being outside ALL the time. My parents always prioritized having a big backyard, where we could play. We played hide and go seek, kickball, climbed trees, went to imaginary lands, and loved being chased by my dad along with the neighborhood kids in long games of nerf tag. As Justin Whitmel Earley notes in Habits of the Household, “Whether this is sending kids to the back yard or telling your teen to turn off the TV and go take a hike, instructing them to go out and engage in the world on their own means we invite them to get comfortable with the struggle against boredom (which is really just the struggle against the fallen imagination) and the good work of play by themselves.” Being outside and sending our kids out there means we’re helping equip them to combat boredom in healthy ways and helping them grow their ability to be imaginative and creative. I can see how my own parents helped us do this. As a family we were regularly taking walks, hikes, and bike rides on the weekends and evenings. We didn’t have a lot of extra money, so activities outside, especially visiting state parks were how we spent much of our time as a family. We would pack lunches and have a picnic in between hikes. Of course each hike always ended with a stop for an ice cream cone at a McDonald’s or Hardee’s. I also remember my dad taking runs and coming back home all red and sweaty. I had never been a fast runner, and it actually hurt my chest as a kid to run hard. Still in high school I decided I needed to do something to be active. When I went to college, I started to get interested in going to the gym and taking classes. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I seriously began running and trained for my first marathon. I also developed a renewed love of bike riding and when I moved to the city I began riding my bike as often as I could. Many of my adult hobbies - hiking, running, and biking come directly from how my parents modeled these in our family times.
My time being outdoors and active as a kid has definitely translated into my marriage and family time as well. My husband and I have visited lots of parks, and evening walks were a regular part of our lives before our little girl came. Now she is part of those walks and has developed her own love of being outside. Starting this summer, she’ll join me in my love of biking as I was recently given a child’s bike seat so I can take rides with her. When we joined the YMCA six years ago, I was extremely excited to start taking classes and learning more about how to work out. There are always families at the YMCA and so many programs for kiddos. Being there reiterates a culture of being active and staying healthy. Just last week, my husband took our little girl to the pool. Long before we had kids, I remember thinking how I wanted our children to see being outside, working out and prioritizing health as a regular part of our lives as a family. All that to say, building a habit of being active and playing matters - it helps us overcome the effects of the “fall” on our minds and bodies and it allows us to build meaningful memories and connections.
Family Time
Finding ways to intentionally be a family and build our “culture” has become a growing priority in my life. I can see a lot of ways my parents developed a unique and special family culture through habits and traditions of spending time together. For my husband and I, games are a big deal in our house. Even early on in our dating relationship, we were often playing cards and Scrabble. In fact my husband and I had our first real conflict about 6 months into marriage over games. He was a professional trash talker when it came to playing games, and I was the ever encouraging cheerleader. Neither of us agreed on the approach. We’ve learned to meet in the middle since that initial blow up, and we’ve come a long way in our game playing. We’ve become known among our family and friends as “game people”, which has been a fun aspect of developing our own family culture. We were tired of going to family gatherings and hanging out with people who were connecting with their phones instead of us so we shifted the focus to games. It’s been fun to teach people new games and vice versa. We’ll get a new game from friends or family each year, and we love discovering new games that become household favorites. A few of those favorites are Sushi Go Party, Qwirkle, and Dix It, which I highly recommend. While we really like playing them, we’ve found that what we love most is that games help people connect, laugh, and converse with each other. They require you to focus and be fully present. In Habits of the Household, Justin Whitmel Earley writes, “We practice conversation in the household to teach the spiritual art of friendship, that we might befriend each other, and train our children to go out and befriend the world”. We want our kids to know how to engage with people, and playing games has been a way to disarm people and help them relax enough to talk.
Reading is another way we’ve been able to build in moments of intentional family time. Another one of our family values is being lifelong learners, and we’ve actively cultivated that into our time as a family. Sometimes just sitting on the couch next to my husband while we both read has been such a peaceful and connecting experience. When I’m reading, it means I’m actually relaxing, and as a person that struggles with being still, it’s a big deal when I’m reading. When our daughter was born, we asked for people to give us their favorite books in lieu of cards, and that began a library full of books for our little one. We now have an expansive kid friendly library, and we encourage family and friends to contribute to it when it comes to gifts for holidays or special occasions. It’s been fun to see our little girl develop her own reading tastes. She is an avid lover of the Little Blue Truck books, Eric Carle books , Llama Llama books, and the Mustache Baby series, which we greatly enjoy reading to her! We often start and end the day with books. It’s created a rhythm of slowing down, connecting, and learning, which I have truly come to love.
Dance parties have become another regular occurrence in our home. We started out playing music and dancing with our daughter in the evenings before dinner. When we were going through the loss of Ryan’s father a few months ago, Isabella started requesting that the entire family dance. So we would stop everything, turn on our Payne Dance Party playlist, a compilation of fun songs we put together in Spotify, and all begin dancing. It was cathartic for us in the midst of our grieving. Our little girl has grown a love for music, especially her Dada’s (he’s a professional musician in a band called Attaboy-totally worth checking out), and she makes requests for music and dancing every day now.
I share all of these family habits merely to point out the importance of having them. There’s been something meaningful and significant about developing these elements as a part of our family fabric. Every family has these elements but sometimes they are happening by default and they aren’t building relationships - being on devices, only watching tv together, eating meals independently etc. Really thinking through who you are called to be as a family and where the Lord has put your priorities allows you to create intentional habits that build your family culture and relationships.
Date Nights
In this season of life, my husband and I get at least one “official” date night each month. I like to get dressed up, get out of town, and go somewhere new for dinner. We put it on the calendar as a set event every month. So if you were to look at our calendar for the next year, you’d see it already planned out every month. These aren’t our only times of connecting but they are important because we aren’t caught up in the tasks and responsibilities of everyday life. It’s just us getting to know each other and reconnecting. We use Michael Hyatt’s Date Night Questions, which have been super helpful and also make the time a little more purposeful. I highly recommend using those questions or something similar. It has helped us be mindful of what we appreciate and to gain insight into each other’s lives. While having a date night once a month is a start, I’ve definitely felt a need to have more intentional connection times with my husband now that we have a kiddo. In the past, each evening was ours to share - we’d have dinner, take walks, watch a tv show, play a game, etc. Now our evenings feel a bit fuller and more hectic, I see a need for more date nights. Justin Whitmel Earley addresses the need for a rhythm or habit of connecting with your spouse regularly in Habits of the Household that I really resounded with. He writes, “As a practice, date night is simple enough. You set aside an evening for each other somewhere in the week (whether it is in the house or out of the house) and you stick to it. You know you will be too busy and too tired, but that’s why you schedule it.” I had mentioned this idea of having more scheduled connecting times to my husband. Shortly after that conversation, I came down one night after putting our daughter down, and found a game set up in the living room. It was such a simple and thoughtful gesture. It didn’t require money or us going out, but it was still special. Finding an evening or morning to have a “date” with your spouse is a win for everyone.
Alone Time
Another important aspect of our marriage, especially now that we have kids have been my “Sara Days”. Before kids I would get these almost every week, so it was quite a shift to go from several to none. I realized I still needed those days and even more so now that I was a stay at home mom. As Justin Whitmel Earley notes, “...one of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse is a break from being a parent-some time alone. One of the gifts of marriage is that we can do this for each other in regular rhythms.” So my husband and I made it a priority and again put it on the calendar. (As a side note, our priorities are reflected in what we make time for. So if something is important, make a point to put it on the calendar.) Once a month I get a day away to fill and do whatever I choose. I look forward to those days, and I make them extra special - sometimes scheduling a massage, a pedicure, or a date with a friend. I often start it with a long, unrushed quiet time at a coffee shop. It’s a chance to reconnect on a deeper level with the Lord and with myself. Those days are refreshing and have been an incredible boost to my spiritual, mental, and emotional health. Throughout the week, my husband is also very mindful of giving me shifts during the work to do my job, get out to go run errands or connect with the friend. I make sure he gets the same opportunities - lunch with the guys, disc golf nights on Monday, etc. He travels a significant amount each month for his job and after a week of single parenting, it’s always so helpful to have that time when he returns. When he’s home we switch back and forth on morning and evening shifts just to help balance out the time. We partner to give each other time. Whatever your situation, giving your spouse some time alone is an incredible gift.
Forming Our Families
At the end of the day, I want the activities and routines we spent time on to reiterate who God has called us to be as a family and to reflect the Gospel. If we don't reflect on how we’re spending our time, then habits will happen but they’ll be haphazard and by default. The world has a lot of replacements to offer, and it’s amazing how we can so easily lean into secular ways of doing life. Just recently I was talking with a friend about how the entire family had really slipped into being on devices whenever they were hanging out and even at the dinner table. She noted that what they needed was a “reset” and to become aware of how much it had taken over. As Justin Whitmel Earley notes, “There is no escaping habits and formation in the family. We become our habits, and our kids become us. The family, for better or worse, is a formation machine.” As Christians, let’s ensure that formation is pointing our families to Christ and not the world.
If you ‘re looking for some ideas and a kickstart to developing your own family habits, download our free resource, Building Habits of Family.
Sara Payne is first and foremost a beloved child of God. She likes to surround herself with people who love Jesus, be out in nature, work out, cook, and drink delicious cups of coffee. She is married to Ryan, an amazing man who loves Jesus, and also is (in her opinion) a rock star with a band called Attaboy. They have one beautiful little girl named Isabella, who is a joy and delight! Sara’s first job after college was as a missionary serving overseas in Budapest, Hungary. She then transitioned into being a full time English teacher in a PBL school on the south side of Indianapolis, IN. There her mission field was high school students. After getting married, she worked for Magnify Learning as a Branding Manager and PBL facilitator. Since becoming a mama, she now works for Magnify Missions where she is able to combine her love of missions and teaching to serve and coach missionaries around the world.
