Your Family is a Team
By: Sara Payne, Magnify Missions Coach
Email: sara@magnifymissions.com
This week my husband headed out of state for his job. He travels quite a bit, at least a ⅓ of every month, to do his work, which involves school assemblies during the day and then sharing the Gospel with students at a free community concert in the evenings. It’s work I believe in and absolutely support. We’ve been married for 8 ½ years so I’m also used to the routine of him coming and going each week. I even traveled with him the first two years of marriage. I quickly discovered life on the road wasn't for me, but it was good for us as we established life as newlyweds. It helped me understand the grueling nature of what he does and also how important the work is. When I went off the road, I was able to comfortably manage the rhythm of him being home and out again. I’m an introvert with extroverted tendencies, so it would be good down time for me or a chance to get projects done and visit with friends and family. I kept my same routine and schedule so that I had some normalcy and structure. That was before we had kids. I’ve discovered that what used to be a refreshing and recharging time for me now translates into long days of single parenting a toddler multiple days in a row. I love my little girl, and I absolutely love being a mama. I just have found that I don’t like being a mom without my partner ⅓ of every month. I share all of that as a backdrop to this week’s departure. Ryan and I always pray together before he leaves. This time however, Isabella was with us, and we circled up as a family in our dining room. It felt special because we were all holding hands as I was praying for Ryan and the band. It was a sending out and a kind of commissioning from our family - for Ryan to go out into the world and do what he was designed to do and called to do. It felt more like we were partnering with him and saying, “This is our team, and we’re sending you out to represent our team in this work.” So as we gathered, it was more of a holy moment where I felt like we were truly united in this mission, and it was special.
There’s no “I” in Team
Ryan and I have talked about being a team and partnering together since we were first married. I remember early on in marriage reading that you shouldn’t keep track or a mental score of all of the work or chores you do compared to your spouse. So instead of giving yourself a mental tally mark for all of the work you did (or that your spouse failed to do) laundry, dishes, changing the toilet paper, you look at these chores being completed as a win for your team, not you as an individual. Keeping score is a mindset that immediately pits you against your spouse as an opponent. I decided that I should instead have the perspective that this action/effort was for our team. Now of course I’m an advocate of balancing the work and not just having one person do it all of the time. The point is it’s about your mindset and approach to marriage. Having a “team” perspective early on really made a difference in our transition into married life. I recently read the book Take Back Your Family by Jefferson Bethke, and much of his writing was about our approach to our families. He writes,“Teams are about shared identity and shared mission…”. I think this begs the question, “Do I see myself as one with my husband and do we have a shared mission?” I think that’s why starting with the little things like dishes and garbage cans matters. If I don’t see myself as caring for our team and instead as my own individual person that is carrying all of the weight, then it’s going to be pretty challenging to get on board with a bigger mission. Bethke writes, “We demand our partner, or worse, our kids, pick themselves up by their bootstraps. But that’s not how teams work. Every time you do that, you’re just giving the toxic view of American individualism another point.” Another nugget of wisdom I read early on in marriage that also stuck with me was that your family begins with you and your spouse, not when you have children. I thought about that a lot before we had kids. It really helped me to be intentional about how we were doing “family” before Isabella came into our lives. We set up meaningful traditions. We invested our time in things that mattered to us - visiting family, being active, and going on adventures. We were creating our team before Isabella arrived and now that she’s joined our family, she is an active participant in our family culture.
A Cord of Three Strands
At our wedding, Ryan and I decided to have a unity ceremony where we tied a cord of 3 strands to represent our two lives coming together as one with Jesus. We based this off of Ecclesiastes 4:12, “Though one may be overpowered two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” We knew that for this marriage to work Jesus had to be at the center. Now this cord hangs on a bookshelf in our living room. I like this visual reminder that we are a team - “one with God, and one with each other” as some friends of mine like to say. This idea of my family being a team was really re-ignited in my reading of Take Back Your Family by Jefferson Bethke. He writes, “But God himself is a team - have you ever realized that? That’s the mind-blowing, incredible, uniquely Christian truth that God is three persons in one. And these three persons (Father, Son, Spirit) have eternally been in a relational cycle of love and harmony”. I find it beautiful and ever so helpful that God has given us a model for what He wants our relationships to look like. He wants us to be in sync with one another and focused on the same end goal. I’ve been reflecting on the unique call He has for our family in this season. Now at this point in my marriage with a little one, it actually feels like a sacrifice when Ryan is on the road. I can’t say that it did before. I wasn’t giving up as much, but now that I am, I’ve been processing how to do this well. When one of my strands is gone, how do I stay connected to him and to Jesus? With the wrong perspective, it would be easy for me to resent the work and not see it as a privilege or calling. Bethke hits on this writing,“Many couples, however, don’t think about the general mission given to them by God in the garden. They don’t fully understand or absorb the fact that they are a team and a unit specifically brought together by the Creator of the universe to accomplish their job in a way different from every other couple out there.” Recently I had a friend ask me if I get mad at Ryan when he finally gets home because he’s been gone so long. She shared that she’s upset with her husband when he finally gets home because she’s been strapped with 3 kiddos for several days on end. I began to laugh, and she quickly acknowledged that she needed to work on her attitude in regards to this. I told her that I was just thankful that he was home, has a meaningful job he loved, and was providing for us. It’s worth having a conversation about the work your partner is called to and how you can come alongside them in it. It’s also important to make sure it’s the right work-meaning it's the right fit for your family. I know that in my marriage I’m uniquely called to a different life than other wives. However, Ryan and I have established ways to keep connecting even when he’s on the road. We know what we value and that’s still the priority whether he’s off the road or on the road. We connect via FaceTime so he can see Isabella each day. I send him pictures and updates. We pray together every night. If one of us can’t talk, then we leave a voice memo prayer. What we value is still embedded in the routines of the day, they just look a little different when Ryan’s gone. Bethke provides some really helpful questions to evaluate in regards to your marriage and establishing what matters most to you::
What is different about our marriage?
What other marriages do you really respect? Why?
What is important to our marriage?
What kind of marriage do we want to have?
If others talk about our marriage, what do we want to be known for?
It’s worth taking some time to figure this out no matter where you are in your marriage. Having these kinds of conversations has really helped our parenting process as well, which is crucial because those small human beings take some tackling. Some practical ways we’ve teamed up in parenting have been rotating mornings, nap times, and bath/ bed times. Just the simple act of rotating these activities back and forth has made it feel more like we are teaming up. When it was just us, whoever made dinner didn’t have to clean up. Now though we’ve adjusted that process because of our little one. While one parent is doing bath/bed time, the other person is cleaning up dinner. Then we finish around the same time and have a chance to sit down on the couch together for some down time with each other.
Growing Our Team
Ryan and I are in the adoption process again. It took 2 ½ years to get our little girl, and ultimately the entire process of growing our family took a little over 6 years. It’s always interesting to hear people talk about having kids mainly because a lot of people approach it like they are in control of it. We’ve found though that whether you have kids biologically or through adoption, the process is entirely up to the Lord. We’ve also found it takes a lot of work whether it’s physical work or paper work. It also means waiting. However, we’re confident in God’s timing and His choice for who to put into our family. Isabella has added so much joy, surprise, delight, and laughter to our days. She’s also added a lot of work, which requires me to depend on the Father in new ways. We know God chose her for us and us for her. It’s a mutual gift. This process of adoption helped us see this process of being chosen even more clearly. We didn’t create this little person ourselves. Instead her mother who carried her for 9 grueling months, chose us through God’s grace to parent and love her. Sometimes I look at her and just find myself amazed that God did choose us to love this little one. The reality is we need her in our family. She helps me slow down for reading and cuddling. She sees the world in new and fresh ways. She adds silliness and her requests for music and dancing bring joy to my day. That’s another aspect that Jefferson Bethke really focuses on in Take Back Your Family. I loved his perspective that each child that is added to your family carries unique gifts, talents, and qualities that your family needs. “What a dance and creativity of God - to form us more into his image as we are allowed to form the very images of ourselves given to us as a gift from him. It’s a mutual dance of grace and love and purpose and service.” I’ve been even more mindful of this idea as Isabella’s personality develops and grows. I pray for her each night and ask the Lord to give us wisdom and discernment on how to best shepherd and cultivate her unique gifts and talents. Even at this early age she shows a strong propensity towards music and instruments. So Ryan and I have been intentional about giving her instruments to play and opportunities to be around lots of music. Bethke addresses this idea of really knowing the members of your team (family) and moving them towards their calling, but also your family’s calling. He writes, “Do you study your players? Are you actively taking your family somewhere? Do you have a plan and a vision for your family’s future? Do you come alongside them?”. He provides this really thoughtful exercise for reflecting on your team members, called a Family Scouting Report and recommends reviewing it once per quarter and one time a year at a family summit. I’ve included his questions here:
What’s their role on the team?
How are they wired or gifted?
How or where do they need the most support?
What activities do we need to prioritize for them to flourish?
What is the best way to spend one-on-one time with them?
When do they come most alive?
I’ve also been thinking about this as we prepare to add another little one to our family. I’ve been wondering,”What is it that our family needs? Who will God choose to be a part of our team next?”. Bethke hits on this writing, “Siblings are like that - teammates who bring a specific gifting and wiring that the family team needs. Which is why every time we have a kid, we immediately ask God, ‘What gap on our team are you trying to fill?’”. I’m excited to find out what gaps God will fill with this next little one. I’m also looking forward to seeing what unique qualities and gifts he/she brings to our family. There’s a certain rest that has come for me in parenthood knowing that my spouse and my children are God’s plan for me and my family. I often don’t know what I need, but He does and I find a lot of peace (even in my most trying days) in the knowledge that these people are who God has chosen for my team. Bethke highlights this point noting, “At its essence, that is what family is - an unspoken bond to work together as a team.”
Beginning With Purpose
In the first few days of our honeymoon, Ryan and I went to a Starbucks so I could get my morning coffee, and we could have quiet times. In those first few moments sitting outside at the cafe, I had this idea (thank you Holy Spirit) that we should think through all of the things that we each love as individuals and uniquely bring to the marriage and then think through what we wanted to be about now that we were starting a new family. It was a really cool exercise of reflecting personally and then seeing where we aligned in our values and interests. Out of that exercise a few years later, we developed our Payne Family Mission, Vision, and Core Values. We picked out 5 specific values that defined us as a family, wrote descriptors, and then found Scripture to support each value. At the time, I didn’t realize how important or valuable that exercise would be for setting the foundation for our family, but it has made a huge difference in how we spend our time, our money, and where we invest our resources. We’ve revisited and revised it in the last decade, which I highly recommend, but the essence of it has remained the same. Since the first iterations of our Magnify Missions Workshop, we’ve identified that establishing your Mission, Vision, and Core Values whether you’re an individual, couple, or family is crucial for living with purpose, specifically God’s purpose for your life. Without these pieces defined, a lot of aimless and directionless living happens. As Bethke notes in Take Back Your Family, “We have no guiding principles. No North Star to point ourselves and our kids to. No framework to discern the will of God for specific assignments as his ambassadors. And so we default to the collective American mission statement - consume more, obtain more, get more, and always be making personal fulfillment and happiness the chief aim of every endeavor”. As believers, we’re called to be set apart, to live differently. When people look at our team, I want them to see something different, something special, something that points them to the family of God and to a kingdom beyond this world. I want them to be so attracted to it that they decide to join God’s team and experience the joy of being chosen, the love of a good Father, and the purpose found in partnering with Him. It’s already been almost a week since my husband went out, and he finally comes home today. It’s been tiring, long days, but we all made it work. That’s the beauty of being “on mission” as a team - we send out, we welcome home, and we praise God for bringing us back together and giving us this good work.
If you’d like to discover your own values, download this free resource, Identifying Your Core Values, to use as an individual or with your family.
Sara Payne is first and foremost a beloved child of God. She likes to surround herself with people who love Jesus, be out in nature, work out, cook, and drink delicious cups of coffee. She is married to Ryan, an amazing man who loves Jesus, and also is (in her opinion) a rock star with a band called Attaboy. They have one beautiful little girl named Isabella, who is a joy and delight! Sara’s first job after college was as a missionary serving overseas in Budapest, Hungary. She then transitioned into being a full time English teacher in a PBL school on the south side of Indianapolis, IN. There her mission field was high school students. After getting married, she worked for Magnify Learning as a Branding Manager and PBL facilitator. Since becoming a mama, she now works for Magnify Missions where she is able to combine her love of missions and teaching to serve and coach missionaries and Christian entrepreneurs around the world.